to the Stock Market Happy Hour Blog! At the end of the trading day, this is the place STOCK TRADERS and INVESTORS can visit to put a smile on your face. No stock market tips here, advice, charts, or other investment information.This site is for entertainment, humor, and amusement purposes. And all content here is ORIGINAL. Hope you enjoy.
Anecdotal Jokes
Bull Bear Jokes
Chart Reader Jokes
Frequent Trader Jokes
New Investor Jokes
Hot IPO Jokes
One-Liner Jokes
Phone Support Jokes
Wall Street Jokes
Stock Market Crash Jokes
Top Internet Searches by Traders
Miscellaneous Jokes
Featured Joke
A hedge fund manager thinks she has her trading process so automated that even a chimp could run it. So on a dare, she hires a circus trainer to put a monkey in front of one of her computers and press buttons all day. Everything seems to be going fine until one day the manager returns to see the trainer shaking his head. 'Is everything all right?' she asks the trainer. 'That depends on your point of view,' he replies. 'The monkey just orchestrated a leveraged buyout of the Bronx Zoo.'An investment banker is approached by a small-time farmer who wants to take his company public. 'What do you have?' asks the banker. 'Two cows and a barn,' replies the farmer. Surprised, the banker responds 'You are kidding, right?' Without blinking an eye the farmer replies, 'Not at all. Last week someone tried to sell me stock in a new age farm company without anything yet, so I figured I had something better.'
A husband and wife trading team go to the circus. When a knife-thrower's assistant has a knife barely miss between his legs, the wife turns to her husband and says, 'Honey,that's just like your tech trade last week. 'When a lion tamer puts her head in the jaws of the biggest cat the wife says, 'Honey,that's like your teen retail trade yesterday.' When a cannon stunt goes wrong and an acrobat is fired outside the tent and into acrowd, the wife says, 'Honey, maybe you should think about staying in cash for a while.'
An adventurous young man opens a new account in a little known country, buys stocks, and is surprised to see a young woman from that country on his door step the very next day. When he calls this international broker, the guy replies in broken English, 'When you buy much stock, you get girl.' Well, the woman is attractive so the young man goes along with it and lets her move in. A week later he decided to sell his new positions, and is surprised to see the young woman pack her bags and exchange places with a surly older woman the day after. Shocked, the young man calls his international broker again and asks why. The broker tells him, 'When you sell, girl leaves. When you short, mother-in-law arrives.'
This Bull Market run is so great that -- my kids ask for better stock options as their allowance these days.
This Bull Market run is so great that -- my taxi driver tells me to call his hedge fund and ask for his pal the manager.
This Bull Market run is so great that -- I saw talk of a $100 million IPO for Eskimos selling quality snow -- without a website.
This Bull Market run is so great that -- they are thinking of making those green jackets for the winner of your favorite golf tournament out of real 100 dollar bills. Really!
This Bull Market run is so great that -- my uncle wants to be buried with glossy pictures of ALL his favorite CNBC ladies.
I don't want to say this Bear Market is bad, but -- I just got a margin call on my bar tab.
I don't want to say this Bear Market is bad, but -- the real bears at the zoo are wearing tuxedos and drinking champagne.
I don't want to say this Bear Market is bad, but -- the Atlanta Fed is talking about bringing back confederate currency.
I don't want to say this Bear Market is bad, but -- even that paid vacation with my wife's family is starting to sound better.
I don't want to say this Bear Market is bad, but -- my broker lady sounds like that witch from the 'Wizard of Oz' movie when I ask her to sell my shares.
A chartist I know said my stock had an upside down pennant formation, but all I saw was awhite flag being waved at Custer's last stand.
A chartist I know said my stock had a doji candle stick formation but all I could see was a sword-wielding samurai chasing me while we both were screaming.
During a seminar about technical analysis, one fellow in the back repeatedly interrupts the lecturer as he discusses the historical trading patterns of an example stock. Annoyed with this, the lecturer finally turns to him and asks, 'If you are such an expert on charts, why don't you teach this class?' The fellow in the back responds, 'Oh, I'm no chart expert... I just ran that company for years.'
A gap up today, a negative divergence tomorrow. Seems a lot like my first marriage if you ask me.
As anyone can see by the l/t chart, the trading in my stock has been so crazy that half the market makers must be in rehab.
A chart expert explains to a friend that based on his proprietary technical analysis, his stock has an 86% confidence of trending higher. Not so sure, his friend replies, 'And on the small chance that doesn't happen, I am 150% confident you will find a new variable to include in your calculations.'
Frequent Trader JokesYou know you trade too often if --
your in box has more e-mail trade confirmations than all the spam you received last year.
You know you trade too often if --
all the stocks on the TV ticker were in your portfolio last week. Or was it the week before?
You know you trade too often if --
your broker sends you a picture of his kid in college as a thank you for being a customer.
You know you trade too often if --
you are still reconciling your trades at five AM, and you don't have any overseas positions.
You know you trade too often if --
your tax accountant hires a small village in India to do your tax return.
A day trader using a simulation program has plenty of profitable trades but when she tries the same system in the real market, it doesn't work nearly as well. When she explains the problem to her husband, he just nods as if he knows why and says, 'I'm sorry Dear, but you were always better at faking it.'
Starting up Level II, seems like it could be a long day because I keep seeing the 'Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse' on the Ask... Yikes.
Not that China plays have been my only great trades, but I would like you to meet my son Bidu and my daughter Sina!
Hot New IPO: A crater front properties company which plans to sell timeshares on the moon. The equity funding is large enough to support a second NASA subdivision.
Hot New IPO: An ESP mind-reading market research firm. Their technology is said to be so promising they have already made common stock shares-for-cash transactions with prospective retail customers who would have bought the stock anyway.
Hot New IPO: A moola manufacturing company who makes realistic-looking funny money for the board games of the world. Of course, the location of their product headquarters is always on the move.
Hot New IPO: A Neanderthal DNA cloning company who thinks they can someday help parents have the perfect football player for a child.
Hot New IPO: A methane-fuel based flying car company who says refueling can be done almost anywhere, but particularly around world political capitols.
Hot New IPO: A custom window ledge design company catering to Wall Street firms that specialize in high risk-taking. Protective railings are optional.
Limerick: There once was a trader named Larry...who made all the money he could carry. But when trends turned around... and the market turned down. He said selling sure beats hari-kari.
What's the different between a smart trader and a dumb trader? The smart trader knows what to forget and never forgets what to remember. Except his wife's birthday.
What would you have with a room full of stock traders and astrophysicists? Lots of understanding about black holes, but little about dark energy.
Limerick: There was a young trader from Frisco...who thought options the best thing since disco.When his puts went awry... and his calls totally fried. He thought, 'Man all I need now is some Crisco.'
A stock broker has a elderly client calls him up every day just to buy one share in a stock he already has a large position in. When the puzzled broker finally asks him why, the old-timer replies, 'Oh, I just like to keep busy.'
A day trader and a poker player argue about who is better at their game. The trader bragged, 'I can get in and out of a stock in less than 30 seconds.'The poker player quickly counters, 'Oh yeah? Well I can sit down at a poker table and size up the easy money in 10 seconds -- or less.' Leaning forward, the trader replies, 'Well I have something you don't... Wash sales if I am wrong.'
My carry trade is being unwound, as they say. I carry a little money over to the stock market and those jokers run off with it.
Did you hear this one? Some message board poster told me I would go blind if I
How many novice investors does it take to screw in a light bulb? Just one, they haven't heard of technical analysis yet!
Does GTC really stand for Great Timing, ChuckleHead?
A new investor goes to a doctor and says he needs something to help him hold on to stocks, says he doesn't have any nerve. The doctor scribbles on a piece of paper, then hands it to him. 'But these aren't prescriptions,' says the investor. 'No,' replies the doctor, 'It's a list of stocks I am short.'
I'll teach that market maker to mess with this new investor... I'll put a GTC sell order in for my big block of shares at one penny... Oh crap!
One measure of a new trader's success is his/her number of winning trades. The other is the number of empty antacid bottles laying around.
'$10 by Tuesday. It's in the bank...' said some message board poster. Wonder if he meant that would be all I have left if I bought that stock at today's price!
If the pros can be naked short, seems only fair that amateurs can be naked long. But don't get me started about my brother-in-law.
The other economic shoe dropping is the bad news -- but the worse news is it's the size of the one Mother Goose lives in.
'Monkey see, monkey do' is no excuse for my trading decisions.
Liquidity isn't a problem for me as long as I can get to the bathroom in time after I make a bad trade.
Did you hear about the Manhattan trader who is so old she once got Indian beads for a Christmas bonus?
The problem with mock trading is my trades mock me back.
A shareholder activist I know has been demanding her CEO be more responsive to shareholders, but asking for a ride home after meetings seems a bit much.
If I could trade '24/7' I would, just to see if tech support is really there all the time.
If they made a movie about my current portfolio, I think it would be called 'Gone With The Wind II.'
This one old stock I follow is so thinly traded I think the bid and ask are in doubloons.
If I buy that stock named 'No Longer Trades' is it possible that I 'No Longer Lose Money?'
They would short cabbages if they could fine a way to.
I don't want to say I've been on hold a long time but --
I'm fairly sure Mr. Softie went public just before I called.
I don't want to say I've been on hold a long time but --
not only have the cows come home, but they evolved the ability to speak.
When I called phone support last week they told me I was next in line. They didn't mention that it started behind the Great Wall of China.
'Hello, please change my 'margin' account status to 'double or nothing' account status just for the fun of it. Thank you very much.'
I called my broker and asked if they could add a 'good until the world stops spinning' buy order, but don't think they will get around to it.
My phone support rep didn't speak very clear English, so I asked him if he was from overseas. 'No,' he replied. 'I'm from Jersey.'
I asked the phone support girl who saved my life if she were married. She replied, to her job. Imagine the alimony payments if she divorced and ran off with me.
Maybe it's just me, but a hedge fund named 'The Humpty Dumpty Hedge Fund' seems like a swell idea.
A sell-side analyst went through a nasty divorce. Withthe help of the best attorney money can buy, the manwas able to keep most of his possessions. While leaving court, his ex-wife complained angrily, 'You didn't give me anything.' 'Not true,' replied the analyst with a smile. 'I gave you the stuff I didn't want.'
If the 'curbs are in effect' on Wall Street how do I get my stocks out of the gutter?
A new 'Black Box' concept for the wall street hedge fund manager: 1) put 10 hungry monkeys in a box, each representing a different investment class that they are considering.. .2) toss in one ripe banana... 3) close the box and turn off the light!
Did you hear about the Wall Street broker who thought SARBOX was a new fish-oil based botox injection his wife was getting?
How to be a Wall Street Analyst: First, load up on financial diplomas... Then get hired by same, go to work every day. There listen to conference calls... Read a few company filings... Then have lunch, maybe work out a little... Later look at charts... Then flip a coin to determine which direction your stock will go.
Did you hear about the hot-shot Wall Street hedgie who got 'BlackBerry Thumbs' trying to get everyone to short RIMM? I think he now works in construction somewhere...
How to survive a stock market crash --
Put your worst performing accounts in your spouse's name and let them deal with the losses at tax time.
How to survive a stock market crash --
Barricade yourself in the basement and watch classic old TV comedy videos just to cheer yourself up.
How to survive a stock market crash --
Join an 'end of the world' club and spend all day indulging in life's pleasures like an executive on retreat or a CEO at a holiday party. You could do worse even after the market recovers.
How to survive a stock market crash --
Form a new political party and promise to eliminate corporate taxes once and for all. The corporate donations should make up for your stock losses and then some.
How to survive a stock market crash --
Prank a business TV show by calling and saying you work for the Federal Reserve. Claim the plan is to take interest rates to minus two percent ASAP.
How to survive a stock market crash --
Contact a wealthy Arab nation and tell them a massive amount of crude oil was just discovered under the New York Stock Exchange.
How to survive a stock market crash --
Start a rumor that all U.S. Currency will be entered in a federal lottery system where the winning serial numbers win a large amount of somebody else's(!).
How to survive a stock market crash --
Go on a talk show and claim stock losses are actually good for the soul. Write a hasty book about it, make millions, then write it all off.
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